Had a wonderful day at work because we were allowed to wear purple ;)
posts tagged "human"
Left: Late December 2013
Middle: January 11, 2014
Right: February 15, 2014
In less than three months, I have made leaps toward feeling strong, lean, and good in my skin.
I’ve been eating well, and doing push/pull/leg circuits at the gym. I have been pushing myself harder than I ever did in college, and at 22 am trying to finally get the body I’ve dreamt of. I’ve spent too long saying “Oh, I’ll get there..” The only thing I haven’t liked about my body since having top surgery 4 years ago is my lack of muscle and lack of muscle definition.
So I decided to make it a focus this year, to start exercising more deliberately, to read novels while doing cardio, to join a gym (hey, turns out paying for it makes me want to go more than when it was free ;) and to not care what the bigger, stronger, cismale guys in the free weight room think!
Photos on the left (sweatpants): January 11, 2014
Photos on the right (tan pants): February 15, 2014
I’ve been working out more actively since November, but these are my post-holiday-weight-gain-and-laziness progress photos. I’m super proud of how far I’ve come :D
they all come
pointing, pulling, pricking
i left behind, i was a
when i said goodbye.
Have you ever wondered about my sexual orientation? Well.. so have I!
FAQ#2: Me trying to figure it alllll out ;)
this gif is even better. oh my goodness. i am so very flattered :D
I just found several gifs of me. I am honored to be gif-able :D
Today is my official 5 year anniversary on testosterone. Thank you everyone for being so supportive of my journey in life so far, and as it continues, know that your support has been a huge part in who I have become today.
5 Years (a short essay)
When my mum told me that she would not financially support my transition from female to male, my sixteen-year-old self marched upstairs and sent a fist through my bedroom window. Everything felt life or death, and I honestly believed it was. Shattering that glass is not something I regret, but my immaturity, while natural for that age, is not something I am proud of. A few weeks later, I wrote a song that expressed my gender crisis, singing, “What part of ‘I need this to survive?’ do you not understand? It’s hard enough to say, ‘I am alive.’ How could you not understand?”
With a lot of therapy and wide open communication with my family and friends, my seventeen-year-old self got permission to begin taking testosterone six months shy of my eighteenth birthday. I was able to convince my family that I wanted to enter college as a stealth man, meaning that I would pass for a man and would not disclose or share my past as someone born with two X chromosomes. I did not know many trans* people in person at that time, and I imagined testosterone as a cure. As something to begin a new life with. As something that would, on its own, make me the person I wanted to be. As something that would make me the man I felt I was on the inside.
I am twenty-two now and proud to admit that I was wrong. Testosterone, while it helped, did not bring me happiness or masculinity or security or a new beginning. Testosterone gave me a chance to remove my body from the forefront of my mind. I began to speak louder with a voice I was comfortable with. I began to get acne and my sweat smelled nasty. Testosterone brought me large quantities of stomach hair, but none on my face, like I imagined, of course. It also prevented me from crying for a few years – physically, I simply could not. I could feel the pressure of tears building up many times, but my eyes became a dam. These days? I cry fairly frequently, happy tears, sad tears, whatever tears I need. I love it.
I began taking testosterone on January 21, 2009. Today, January 21, 2014 is my five year anniversary on this medication. 260 weekly shots have passed, 8 vials of testosterone have been gobbled up by my blood stream, and I still feel like my life is one continuous motion from the day I was born until today. Nothing new about it – the only thing that is new to me is that in this half-decade long physical journey, I have realized how invaluable the emotional and spiritual growth I have experienced since coming out as trans* when I was fifteen has been for me. Sure, the physical was exciting and I’ve documented my journey over YouTube the entire time, mostly about my changes on testosterone, my top surgery, and my terrifying experience with my hysterectomy. Some art, poetry, and emotions snuck in there, but for the majority of my vlogs, it was about the physical.
Now that I’ve had some time to reflect, I know the importance of my growth as a person, not just physically. When I was sixteen, I felt like I NEEDED testosterone in order to begin my “new life.” Today, I realize what I needed was to get my body off the forefront of my mind so that I could focus on my emotional growth. There was no new life around the corner, it was all just this one, beautiful journey. Both physically and spiritually, it has been incredible.
This video shows a lot of my journey, in a single-take voiceover train of thought as I watched it. It leaves out big important moments – coming out, bullying experiences, relationships because this video mainly focuses on my testosterone timeline, as well as some surgeries and milestones (such as graduating.)
I just wanted to clarify one thing with this 5 year reflection; it was a lot of hard work to get to where I am now, and testosterone only assisted me a fraction in that. Testosterone didn’t put muscles on this frame, pushing iron and running miles did. Testosterone didn’t put a permanent smile on my face – this past summer, in June of 2013, after years of struggling to find an inner happiness, I found myself standing on a cliff next to the ocean, my arms spread wide, feeling the wind on my back and smiling to myself as I realized I finally felt whole, at peace, and happy. That is what has made everything worth it – that moment that I bring with me every day. I would not change anything.
Thank you all, infinitely for your time. I will still be making videos, do not you worry! This is just a very special day for me :)
I just finished making a 9 minute long video for my 5 years on Testosterone anniversary, this Tuesday, January 21, 2014.
This is the final slide!
The video has me speaking, explaining a bit about my transition (in time-line format, not so much emotional or in depth) and shares many photos. I also created a 9 minute long instrumental song for the background because I’m a silly panda.
Anyway, look for it on Tuesday! I cannot wait to share it with all of you :)
we’re all so
we’re all so different on the outside
- eyes, hair, lines, shapes -
but we’re all full of the same mush on the inside
- blood, bones, hearts, motion -
inside out and upside down
we’re complex and topographic
and wrong and right
Pre-orders are now available for my new shirts, available in both black and white! Head on over to http://skylarkergil.bandcamp.com/merch to make sure you’ll be able to get your size :) They will begin shipping the last week of February and they also come with a free download of my album, “Thank You.”!!!!
** Also, for those who maybe cannot afford to preorder at this time/by February 8th, but would like their size guaranteed for in the future, please email me at firstname.lastname@example.org and we can discuss further options! :)
there is always so much to do.
sometimes i wonder what it would be like to never have words written to me,
and never feel obligated to write back.
what it would be like to never be spoken to,
and never feel obligated to speak back.
what it would be like to sit at home on a quiet evening and feel the quiet.
i always have so much to do,
i always feel the quiet.
i love those words,
i love that ink,
i love the way you get excited.
FAQ about my tattoos
if you watch on youtube, there are click links :D
Going to cut my hair tomorrow in a crazy wild way.
AKA buzzing the sides?
Is that still crazy?!